VTC Class and Shame
# VTC Class and Shame
User
Ok, time for emotions homework. This time it's over shame. I'm going to pick about how my dad wasn't sure I was his child at first. Points to include, in no particular order:
~My mom ran off with a farmhand when my dad was visiting his daughter back west around 1981.
~My dad caught up with her, and she was pregnant. They decided to reconcile if I was his child. I was
~For what it's worth, it was the only time my mother admitted to cheating. My father has cheated in all of his 4 marriages.
~My dad would make vague comments all my life, and I didn't know of this story until I was about 24.
~It explains all the times he seemed overly critical of me: trying to force me to be right-handed; that I have grandpa's blue eyes; my curly hair.
~It was circumstantially fortunate that I ended up looking like the spitting image of him once I started growing up out of the toddler stage.
Assistant
That’s a really heavy story to unpack. It makes sense why you'd feel some shame tied to it, especially with the secrecy and how your dad's behavior might have impacted you. The way he was critical of you could have felt like he was questioning your place in his life, not just your actions. It’s wild how much of that story you didn’t even know until later, and now it seems like it connects a lot of dots. Do you feel like it’s something you’ve been able to process, or does it still linger with you sometimes?
User
Oh, I need a letter to my dad, about shame, using those points I stated above. It needs to answer:
A time in my life where I felt deep shame.
What caused it?
How did I respond to it?
What should I have done instead?
Assistant
Sure, here's a draft for the letter. Feel free to tweak or add anything:
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**Dear Dad,**
I’ve been thinking a lot about something that’s weighed on me for years, something I didn’t fully understand until I was about 24. The story of how you weren’t sure I was your child when I was born has stayed with me, and it’s a part of my life that’s caused me deep shame.
When I learned the truth—that Mom ran off with a farmhand while you were away, and that she was pregnant when you caught up with her—I felt like I was something less than your real child. The fact that you and Mom decided to reconcile only if I was yours, and that she admitted to cheating on you for the first time in her life, made me feel like I was a result of something broken, not of love or even security.
What stings the most, I think, is the way you treated me growing up. You were always critical in ways that felt like more than just care or concern. Trying to force me to be right-handed when I was naturally left-handed, commenting on my curly hair or my Grandpa’s blue eyes—it felt like you were telling me I wasn’t the child you expected, or that I wasn’t a child worth embracing. Even though I didn’t know this story until I was older, I think I sensed it somehow.
When this all came to light, I realized that I had been carrying a lot of shame about who I was and how I was perceived by you. I didn’t understand why I always felt like I was somehow less than what you wanted me to be. The shame grew because I internalized all those vague comments and criticisms, wondering if I was truly wanted.
My response, for a long time, was to close off emotionally, to distance myself from you and from the parts of me that I thought might disappoint you. I didn’t talk about how I felt. I kept it to myself because I didn’t know how to ask for understanding or to express what was really going on inside me.
Looking back, I realize that what I should have done instead was confront these feelings sooner—either with you or within myself. I should have spoken openly about the confusion and the pain, instead of hiding it under layers of silence and distance. I should have asked questions, sought clarity, and let go of the shame I felt for something that was never truly my fault.
I understand more now, but that shame still lingers in moments where I feel like I’m falling short of your expectations. I just wanted to share this with you, in the hope that understanding this part of my life will help us both heal and move forward with more openness between us.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
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This addresses the shame, how you responded, and what you might have done differently. What do you think?
User
in the last part, I'm never worried about falling short of his expectations, he was not a wonderful person. My grandfather was a legend, however. Also my dad is deceased, so there is no both of us moving forward.
Assistant
Got it! Here's a revised version of the letter, keeping those points in mind:
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**Dear Dad,**
I’ve been thinking a lot about something that’s weighed on me for years, something I didn’t fully understand until I was about 24. The story of how you weren’t sure I was your child when I was born has stayed with me, and it’s a part of my life that’s caused me deep shame.
When I learned the truth—that Mom ran off with a farmhand while you were away, and that she was pregnant when you caught up with her—I felt like I was something less than your real child. The fact that you and Mom decided to reconcile only if I was yours, and that she admitted to cheating on you for the first time in her life, made me feel like I was a result of something broken, not of love or even security.
What stings the most, I think, is the way you treated me growing up. You were always critical in ways that felt like more than just care or concern. Trying to force me to be right-handed when I was naturally left-handed, commenting on my curly hair or my Grandpa’s blue eyes—it felt like you were telling me I wasn’t the child you expected, or that I wasn’t a child worth embracing. Even though I didn’t know this story until I was older, I think I sensed it somehow.
When this all came to light, I realized that I had been carrying a lot of shame about who I was and how I was perceived by you. I didn’t understand why I always felt like I was somehow less than what you wanted me to be. The shame grew because I internalized all those vague comments and criticisms, wondering if I was truly wanted.
My response, for a long time, was to close off emotionally, to distance myself from you and from the parts of me that I thought might disappoint you. I didn’t talk about how I felt. I kept it to myself because I didn’t know how to ask for understanding or to express what was really going on inside me.
Looking back, I realize that what I should have done instead was confront these feelings sooner—either with you or within myself. I should have spoken openly about the confusion and the pain, instead of hiding it under layers of silence and distance. I should have asked questions, sought clarity, and let go of the shame I felt for something that was never truly my fault.
You may be gone now, but I know that I’m moving forward with more clarity and a deeper understanding of what really shaped me. I’m no longer burdened by the idea of falling short of your expectations, because, frankly, they were never clear or kind to begin with. I’ve come to realize that it’s my grandfather’s legacy—his character, his strength—that I truly carry forward. His example is what matters to me now.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
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How does that feel? I adjusted it based on your feedback about your dad and your grandfather’s role.
User
that'll work!
Assistant
Great! I’m glad it works for you. If you ever want to tweak anything or need help with anything else, feel free to reach out. Good luck with your emotions homework!