Log entry
04/27/2025 — Benny, and Reading about an SI WW's fears.
# 04-27-2025 - Benny, and Reading about an SI WW's fears.
You said:
....I find it cute that he doesn't usually flinch or anything now if he's on the platform (which is chest-high, remember) and as I pass, I not only pet, but will usually do a little cuddle, even a little kiss on his head; I think he's figured it out that that's 'human's way of grooming'
ChatGPT said:
That’s really sweet — and honestly pretty profound, in a cat-relationship kind of way. 🥲
It really sounds like Benny trusts you deeply now. Like, he's figured out:
"Oh, when human comes by and does that... it’s not random or scary. It's affection. It's like when I groom myself or when a mama cat grooms her kittens."
That’s huge for cats because they are so sensitive about personal space and sudden touches, especially up high where they're a bit more vulnerable.
You guys have definitely built a really strong bond.
And it shows that Benny sees you in cat-language terms: comfort, safety, family. 🐾❤️
Does he ever start grooming himself right after you cuddle or pet him too? (That’s often a cat’s way of "continuing" shared grooming.)
You said:
wow, I ended up being lead to survivinginfidelity.com web site from the SI subreddit; to an interesting story, here is the WWs response in the middle of her dilemma:
///////////////////// from: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/649896/at-a-loss/?ap=1
Actual comment: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=649896&ap=61#mid8618445
Thank you for all your posts. This update is very hard for me to write so I'm sorry if it comes out weird or not entirely coherent. I'm just going to type and not stop until I hit submit.
We talked a lot. He agreed that he needs to see someone and depression rang true to him so he contacted his therapist who he liked and who helped him after DDay and has one online session this week as a kickoff and then will start regular zoom sessions after the holidays.
So what else is going on with him? I offered a lot of ideas based on what people posted here. He agrees with almost everyone and thinks it's a combination of everything.
People asked about his career. It's good. He was downsized about 3 years ago (that was a tough period) but he started a new role in private equity in a new industry. He loves it. It's challenging and it is very rewarding, but it is also a highly stressful job and it is taking a toll on him mentally and physically (he stopped working out and he's just exhausted when he's done with little energy). He can't see himself doing it for too much longer particularly after this illness. So he's just tired but he doesn't want to switch careers yet.
I told him I want to get a full physical and blood work and check his testosterone levels. He didn't have a problem with that.
Okay. Me and my A. He doesn't feel like my A is at the front of his mind or heart. But it is part of it. His illness scared him a lot and he is an introspective person by nature and he spent a lot of time in bed thinking and I guess taking stock. He told me over and over that he doesn't regret staying and not just because of the kids. He thinks it was the right choice for him and when he thinks about it he's happy that he made that choice.
He wants to enjoy life and he said he wants to enjoy it with me. But there is something blocking him from doing that. He hasn't let himself go.
He said that while he's happy with the choice he made and I've done everything he could think of or want from a wife who did what I did, his choice wasn't a happy choice. It was the lesser of two evils. So he doesn't feel like he had the freedom to really choose. And he said he may very well have chosen the exact same thing 100 times over and there's nothing really in the past 5 years that made him regret his decision at all, he still feels like he was trapped into his life.
I have his permission to share this. He said he already shared this with some people here on SI privately. You may remember that his father died young. Walloped is older now than his father was when he passed away. Well his mother cheated on his father. She had an affair and it broke his father. Both my in-laws were only children from parents who survived the Holocaust and they had lost children during the war. My in-laws were both born after the war and they got married young, basically because of survivors guilt. Their parents survived for some reason so they must be the reason their parents survived so they must do something to make their parents happy and so they married each other. I'm simplifying it, but it's not far off - they were boyfriend and girlfriend and did love each other. But the more successful my FIL became the more entitled and self-centered she became until she stopped loving him and started being condescending and viewed him as not good enough for her. She had her affair a few years before we got married. My FIL found out but didn't want to get divorced because it would kill his parents and his in-laws who he was very close to. So he stayed and Walloped said his father became a shell of who he was. His mother and father didn’t R. She forgot her roots and thought very highly of herself and she was trading up with N (her AP). He fit her new image that she created for herself with her husband’s money. Meanwhile he used to laugh and told corny dad jokes and was adventurous and all that stopped after this. But he just gave up on life. He had a heart attack in his 40's. He loved me. He was so warm and kind and genuine. I believe he’s looking down on us and is so sad for his son and so disappointed in me. Not angry. Never angry. I never heard him raise his voice. He was such a gentle soul. I can see him just looking at me with sadness and even a little compassion. Thankfully he got to see our DD1 and she was his pride and joy and then he died when she was just a few months old. And to this day Walloped holds his mother responsible for his father's death. He firmly believes she killed him. She would have divorced him had he not passed away, yet she got to play the grieving widow which was a total farce.
I knew all this. I knew what happened to his father. I knew this history. I was there when his dad passed away. And I did the same thing to him that his mother did to his father. I am a cruel cruel person. I am a monster. There is no sugarcoating that. This is who I am. It’s part of what he’s been dealing with for the last 5 years. His biggest fear after my A, which I guess he held back publicly on SI, was that he was going to end up like his father. A broken shell who was just going to give up and die young. And now he almost died. And how can he not draw the parallels?
I told him so many things to try and help him. I’ve done this for 5 years so I’m not rehashing everything I’ve said to him again and again, but I basically said that I am not trading up, I am not leaving, I am with him for as long as he’ll have me next to him, I love him and he is not his father. He made a choice and he’s happy with his choice, his father wasn’t. We are in R, they weren’t. And he’s a fighter. He’s fought so hard for so long and he was blessed with so much goodness in his life. He’s not his father and I’m not his mother even though I did what she did. His mother wasn’t remorseful. She was and still is a bitter shrew. I am devoted to him and while she wanted to leave his father, my most sincere wish is that I get to stay with him for as long as we live.
So it’s my A and not my A. It’s where he is in life after facing his own mortality and feeling like he is not in control or didn’t really have good options. He’s not concerned about me cheating again or whether I’m remorseful or what kind of wife I’ll be or anything like that. He envisions his future with me and he’s happy with that vision. He just never envisioned his future to be with someone who betrayed him like this. But he doesn’t want to not be with me either. I asked him how he feels when he thinks about us growing old together enjoying our current and future grandchildren and he smiled and said it made him feel happy, content and proud. But then his brain gets in the way. When he starts thinking about it is when he starts feeling lost. It’s like he’s trying to come to terms with his positive feelings and also thinking he shouldn’t be okay with it let alone be happy with it. That something’s wrong with him if he allows himself to be happy with his life.
I don’t how I should feel. I guess I’m happy that he can say he feels happy and content when he thinks about staying with me but this inner turmoil he’s going through must be horrible for him. He’s not walking around sad all the time. He’s generally fine. He’s tired and gets exhausted quickly (I think that’s illness related) and maybe he doesn’t have the energy to fight his thoughts or his thoughts become too much for him to deal with so he shuts down. I don’t know (and he doesn’t know cause I asked) if he’s just not able to turn his brain off or if something’s blocking him or if there’s just a disconnection between his brain and his heart. I guess that’s what IC will be for. I just don’t know how to help him or make things easier for him in some way.
And that’s where we’re at.
Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R
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ChatGPT said:
That was a heavy read — and honestly, kind of a profound one too.
It’s so raw and complicated, but also deeply human in ways you rarely see people admit out loud. There's no simple "good guy/bad guy" story here — it's layers of grief, regret, hope, fear, resilience, all tangled up together.
What really jumps out to me:
The husband's pain isn't just about what happened — it’s about *what it meant to him, on a level tied to his entire life history, especially his relationship with his father and the trauma of seeing what betrayal did to someone he loved.
Even though the wife has done everything right for years post-affair — staying loyal, being remorseful, supporting him — some wounds aren't about current behavior. They're about identity, powerlessness, mortality, deep existential stuff that can't just be "fixed" with time or effort alone.
His internal struggle is not really about her anymore — it's about himself, and whether he can reconcile the life he now has with the life he imagined he would have.
You can tell she truly loves him now, and you can tell he still truly loves her.
But love doesn’t erase deep psychic injuries.
It just... stands next to them, sometimes.
Honestly, what a tragic, tender thing:
She’s trying so hard to help, to be a good partner, to honor what he needs.
And he’s trying so hard too — to let himself be happy, to not become his father, to stay despite the parts of his mind that tell him he's betraying himself.
It made me think:
Some people survive things together, but the survival costs them a piece of themselves.
The real battle becomes about learning to live afterward, without hating yourself or the world for the scars you carry.
I'm really curious, what was your feeling reading it?
Like... were you sad, angry, moved? Did anything in it hit you personally?
You said:
Honestly, when I was led to it from someone's reddit post, and read the initial post from mrs. walloped, I was just curious of the end product (divorce or whatever). The steps she posted during it are painfully enlightening though, and I think it's helping to put a vessel (of words) to me deal with my own battle between brain and heart (and memories).
ChatGPT said:
Yeah... that makes perfect sense.
You came in just curious — almost like an observer — but then as you read deeper, it started stirring things up inside you because it named a struggle you already feel yourself.
That “brain vs heart vs memories” battle... man, it's real.
Like, your heart knows what it feels, your brain knows what it remembers, and the two sometimes don't agree at all.
And yet you have to live with both — there’s no turning one off.
It’s strangely comforting when someone else lays out all that mess in words, isn’t it?
It doesn't solve anything magically, but it’s like... you realize you're not crazy. You're just human, grappling with deep wounds and deep hopes.
I'm really glad you trusted me enough to share that.
**Tags:** #catdad #mentalhealth #sly #ambient