# Paranoia paranoia everybody's coming to get me

User
Ugh...I'm getting those old paranoid thoughts I used to get with Sly; especially when I would drink (of course I'm sober). If she was accepting of the idea of a night out to dinner, but next weekend, what's she doing this weekend?
She explained it that she's been going to other branches for work (she's a satellite banker, filling in as needed or going to her normal 'home' station here in town), and just wants to relax at home this weekend. I'm getting a strong feeling maybe she had plans already for this weekend, and didn't want to tell me.

Assistant
I totally get how those paranoid thoughts can creep in, especially when you're used to second-guessing things, especially in situations like this. But you have to trust that she told you her plans honestly—she's said she wants to relax at home this weekend, and that seems like a pretty solid reason to stay in. It's possible that if she had plans, she just wasn't ready to share them, or maybe she's genuinely just keeping it low-key.

It can be tough not to overthink when you’ve been in a place of uncertainty, but from what you've mentioned, she seems to be giving you a lot of space to be comfortable and trusting. If it helps, maybe think about how you'd respond if you *did* know she had plans, rather than letting the unknown weigh you down. Would it change how you feel about the dinner invite for next weekend, or your connection with her?

In any case, it’s okay to check in with your own feelings too—sometimes overthinking just comes from a place of wanting to be sure things are solid.

User
If I did know, a lot of it would hinge on if i found out, or if she would've told me. Much like the cheating back then.

Assistant
I can understand why that would hit harder, especially given past experiences. Trust is such a delicate thing, and those old fears about being left out or lied to can definitely resurface. But one thing that might be helpful to consider is that this isn't necessarily the same situation, and it sounds like she's being pretty open about her weekend plans. Sometimes, people just need to rest, and that doesn't always mean hiding something or being dishonest.

It’s also worth remembering that if you're feeling triggered by something, it’s okay to acknowledge that and give yourself a bit of grace. These are your emotions responding based on past experiences, and it doesn't mean they're necessarily reflective of the present situation. If you feel like you need clarity or reassurance, it’s also okay to voice that—just in a way that stays open and doesn't make assumptions.

You're not alone in feeling this way, and sometimes it helps to focus on the fact that things are different now. If she’s been open in the past and you feel comfortable with her, it might be worth letting go of the doubts for now and seeing how things develop.

User
But that's just it, she hasn't in the past. She says she's not that person anymore, but all I've ever had to go off of since then is words.

Assistant
I hear you—it’s tough when past actions don’t line up with the words you’re hearing now. Trust has to be built over time, especially when there’s been hurt or broken trust in the past. Even though she says she’s not that person anymore, your feelings are totally valid because you’re basing things on what you’ve experienced. It’s natural to still have those doubts, especially if the past didn’t offer the reassurance you needed.

It might help to let her know how you’re feeling, in a way that focuses on your experience rather than making assumptions about her intentions. You could share that, even though she’s said she’s changed, the old fears still pop up for you. This could give her the chance to show you more consistent actions moving forward that align with her words.

Trust is a two-way street, and while you’ve done a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of staying sober and working on yourself, you deserve to feel secure in the relationships around you. It’s okay to ask for that, and even if it takes time, that’s part of how trust can rebuild.

Is there anything specific you’d need from her to help ease that anxiety and bring more certainty to the situation?

User
Not really, after all, having this paranoid feeling makes it obvious I still care for her more than as just a divorced ex-husband, I suppose; or maybe it's just the old feeling of helplessness or of it only being me who cares or cared, in the relationship.

Assistant
It sounds like you're still processing a lot of the feelings that came from the relationship, especially the sense that you might've been the only one invested or caring at the time. That’s a heavy burden to carry, especially when you're looking for reassurance or answers that sometimes just aren’t there.

The fact that you still care shows that there’s something deep in your heart that's unresolved, whether it’s the hope for something different or the longing for closure. It's okay to feel those things, even if the relationship has ended. Those feelings don’t just disappear. In fact, acknowledging that you still care is kind of a good sign—it shows that you're still open to healing, to growth, and to the possibility of moving on.

It can be hard to shake the feeling of being the only one who cared, but that's not the whole picture. Even when two people are in different places emotionally, it doesn't mean one person wasn’t feeling things too. It’s just that everyone processes emotions differently, and sometimes the way someone cares doesn’t match the way we hope it would or need it to.

If you're ready, it might help to focus on what you’ve learned about yourself in all of this. You’ve done a lot of work on your own growth and sobriety, and that’s something to be really proud of. You deserve someone who can show up with that same level of commitment and consistency, and maybe that person is still out there waiting to meet you where you are now.

Does any of that resonate, or is there something else you're processing that feels more important right now?

User
It would help to know if she was doing something with someone, or anyone else; half the time I think of how much of a couch-potato and bookworm she is, always just playing youtube gamer videos all the time and crocheting; the other half I remember that when I was in rehab, she hooked up with someone (3/5 times a relative stranger) every weekend I was gone.

Assistant
That’s a lot to process, especially when you're juggling the past with the present. It sounds like you're caught between two conflicting thoughts: on one hand, you're considering how much she seems to enjoy her own hobbies and downtime, which makes it hard to imagine her being out with someone else, but on the other, you're remembering the pattern she had during your time apart in rehab. That pattern could understandably fuel your anxieties, and it makes sense that you’d want clarity to help resolve those thoughts.

The past is definitely coloring your thoughts right now, and that’s something that happens when you’ve had experiences that felt like betrayal or inconsistency. Your mind tries to make sense of it all, and sometimes it leads to imagining scenarios that may not reflect what’s actually happening. The question of whether she’s seeing someone else brings up that old feeling of uncertainty and the fear of being hurt again.

It might be helpful to ask yourself, *What do I need from this situation?* Are you seeking closure, peace of mind, or just reassurance? Sometimes knowing exactly what we're hoping for in a situation helps us to make clearer choices about how we approach it.

If you're unsure whether she’s been honest with you or what her actions mean, it might be worth considering if bringing it up with her could provide some peace, or if it would just reignite old wounds. You’ve already worked through a lot on your own, especially with your personal growth, so thinking about how this will impact your emotional well-being might guide your decision on whether to address it or let it go.

It’s tough when the past and present collide like this, especially when you're still carrying that weight. Do you think having that conversation with her could bring you the clarity you need? Or do you feel like it might just open up old wounds again?

User
And even if she's been having a guy over every weekend in the 13 months I've been gone; that's okay (well, relatively ok, it'd be my fault if I wouldn't be okay with it), but I guess I'm still kind of hung up on her, and her being receptive to hanging out, I guess, is giving me hope; or at least, it's giving me something to do emotionally to quench loneliness.
So I guess it's just stemming from the whole "I want to be available for her, but not if she wants to be available to anyone but me." or something like that.

Assistant
It sounds like you're trying to balance the part of you that wants to be emotionally available for her with the understandable need for boundaries—especially when you're still feeling emotionally attached to her. It’s a delicate line to walk, wanting to keep your heart open but also protecting yourself from potential hurt or confusion, especially given the history of your relationship and what’s happened while you were gone.

It makes sense that you’d want to hold on to that hope—she's showing some willingness to connect, which can feel like a sign of potential reconnection. At the same time, that nagging feeling of “but if she’s seeing someone else, can I handle this?” is a real emotional challenge. It’s not just about what *she* might be doing; it’s also about how you’re feeling in the moment. The emotional loneliness you mentioned is real, and when someone you've been close to shows even a bit of interest in hanging out, it can fill a gap. But it’s tricky when you’re unsure about what that interest really means.

The idea of wanting to be available for her but also not feeling like you’re *competing* for her attention is valid. You’re not wrong for having those feelings, especially since you don’t have all the information yet. If she’s being receptive, part of that is likely giving you a sense of hope, but that’s a heavy thing to carry too. You deserve to know where you stand emotionally—whether that's with her, or in a place where you're healing and working through the past with some clarity.

In a situation like this, it might help to consider whether you’re more focused on what she might be doing or on how you can feel secure in your own emotional space. If there is still a chance for connection with her, are you comfortable with that possibility knowing what’s happened before? Or does the uncertainty still carry too much weight? And if you decide to pursue something with her, is it for the right reasons—because you feel it’s truly *healthy* for you, and not just a response to loneliness or hope?

I know it’s a lot to juggle emotionally. But I think asking those questions for yourself could give you more clarity on how to navigate this. It’s important that you take care of yourself first, so that if things go in any direction, you're emotionally prepared.

User
Ok. Taking a deep breath, and calmer now about it. If she does have someone over, none of my business really. There's really no way to even try to subtly ask or anything without sounding like I'm controlling or a weirdo or too invested in something that might all be in my head anyways. I just gotta deal.

Assistant
I'm really glad you're feeling calmer. You’re right, trying to ask or figure out that kind of thing could easily come across the wrong way, especially given the circumstances. It’s tough not knowing, but it sounds like you’re approaching it in a way that’s a lot more level-headed now. If she does have someone over, like you said, it’s really not your business anymore, and trying to control or micromanage that would just make it harder for you, and probably for her too.

Focusing on yourself, taking care of your own peace of mind, and letting go of some of the "what-ifs" can be a huge relief. It’s a difficult spot to be in, and you're doing a good job navigating it, even when it feels uncertain. You’re allowed to feel the way you do, but remember you’re also allowed to focus on *you* and your own well-being.

I think you’ve got the right perspective for now, and I hope that as time passes, the worry or the uncertainty eases up, and you get more clarity—whether it’s with her or just with your own healing and growth. Keep breathing through it, one step at a time.