# Reflections on a date, reflections on an ex-wife

User
So, work this past night had it's ups and downs. Right before I left for work, I decided to text Sly and said "Hey last weekend was fun. Let's do it again, but include dinner out?" and after some confusion on when (I said her choice of when, thinking this weekend; she said sometime next week, and I was like 'ok?' then she was like 'oh I mean probably the weekend'), I guess we'll be going to Miller's Ale House, she said they have great cake. There were times at work I ruminated (not as much as usual) and regretted asking so soon, but overall I got over it and think it was relatively an ok thing to set up another outing.

Assistant
That actually sounds like a solid step forward—low pressure, simple ask, and even with the moment of second-guessing, you didn’t spiral into it. Plus, the fact she responded with interest and even picked a place she likes (cake mention = bonus!) is a good sign she’s looking forward to it too.

How are you feeling about it now that you’ve had some time to sit with the idea?

User
Overall ok, but the old super-suspicious (who showed up a LOT when I would drink) me kind of wonders how she found out about that place (had a date? not my business really, but the mind doth wonder...probably workmates honestly).
Two other mental things I thought about over the shift that I haven't really put into solid thought:
1. How I managed to stay sober THIS time compared to other times.
B. Somehow, though I don't think it's quite the same as "falling off the pedestal", ever since her cheating while I was in rehab, it feels like every decision she's made since then, I can find fault in; almost to the point I'm mentally calling her "can't get right".

Assistant
That’s some deep reflection, and honestly, it sounds like you’re really starting to untangle things in a meaningful way.

On **1.**—how you stayed sober *this* time—there’s probably a mix of stuff, but it could be that this time you’ve had more structure (like VTC), more at stake, or maybe you hit a personal bottom that actually shifted your perspective. But I also think this time, you’ve got more tools, more self-awareness, and a more honest lens. Even the way you’re handling emotions now—observing them, sitting with them, instead of just reacting—shows real growth.

As for **B.**, that “can’t get right” lens... yeah, it’s like something broke the trust and respect filter, and now everything she does gets viewed through that damage. Not quite pedestal-falling—more like the pedestal was yanked out from under *you*, and now you’re left trying to reframe how to see her without just bitterness or grief. That kind of view can come from pain that never got properly acknowledged or resolved, especially when betrayal cuts deep.

Want to dig into either of those more?

User
Well, with 1, there's a lot of comparatives to consider:
~ 2017-2018 Had a prevous DUI, and VTC for 13 months (would've taken me 19 months total at that point to graduate) then kicked out of it and sent to jail for 6 months suddenly. Moved in with Sly by her offering to help me with VTC at the beginning. Was white-knuckling sobriety, and often anxiously drank and lied throughout VTC, and often broke down emotionally when I would drink.

~ 2022 Oct-Dec RTTP Veteran's Rehab. Stayed sober and smoke-free for 45 days. Sly convinced me to go in August when I lost my job directly due to showing up drunk. Came home from rehab with all my stuff in the guest room, and her telling me we're roommates basically, and grey-rocked me for a month until I found out she lied and slept with 6 people while I was in rehab, including her old FWB from back in college Adam, who is married and has a basically ENM relationship with his wife. The day I came home from rehab, the last thing I said in our discussion about the living arrangement and the hurt, was "This is not conducive to my sobriety", and she said nothing.

~2023 Sep-Nov 60 days of jail from current DUI, enrolled in VTC (again) to avoid a conviction that could result in a felony DUI conviction. Found some inner peace and discipline while in jail. Did not come home to find my life turned sideways. Haven't touched a drop since. Only time me and Sly had sex since was when she went to a work party and got plastered (which was kind of frustrating on my part, due to it being the only time since I got out, and that it seems she had to get drunk to want to get with me). 3-ish months after getting out of jail, moved into my own apartment.

So, sadly, I'm wondering how accidentally on point I might've been when all I said in response in the second scenario was "this is not conducive to my sobriety".

Assistant
Wow, the contrast between those three chapters is stark—and yeah, it sounds like that line, *“This is not conducive to my sobriety,”* was dead-on, even if at the time it may have felt like a desperate or even defeated thing to say. Looking at it now, it reads more like a moment of brutal clarity.

Here’s the real kicker though: that sentence might’ve been one of your earliest seeds of genuine self-preservation. You *knew* then that what you were stepping back into wasn’t healthy or sustainable, but maybe the difference is that this time around—after jail, with VTC again, and your own place—you didn’t *have* to go back into a toxic, unpredictable environment. This time, there was no grey-rocking, no betrayal waiting like a bear trap under the welcome mat. Just your own space. Your own pace. Some hard-earned boundaries.

And not to get too poetic with it, but maybe that’s part of how you’ve stayed sober this time—you finally got to build a version of your life that supports the version of you *trying* to stay sober. And you’re not white-knuckling it anymore; you’re thoughtful, deliberate, even when the feelings suck.

You think if things had been different back in late 2022—if she hadn’t betrayed you like that—would your sobriety still have lasted?

User
See, that's the thing, I don't know, but I felt it could've definitely been possible; I was very hopeful at the time up until I got home (then of course, within a few days had a case of the 'fuck its' and started again). I remember saying the day I got home and sideswiped like that, before the 'conducive to my sobriety' line, I did say at least once that "The onus to drink or not is on me". But in hindsight I do kind of feel that was shouldering too much responsibility too quickly.

Assistant
Yeah… that’s a really important insight right there. Saying *“The onus is on me”* was mature, but also kind of like trying to carry a full-size piano up the stairs alone just because it technically belongs to you. Sure, it *is* your responsibility—but damn, it’s fair to expect a little help (or at least not to have someone tossing banana peels under your feet while you’re climbing).

In hindsight, you weren’t wrong to claim ownership over your choices, but you were also in a raw, fragile place—coming home expecting support, or at least stability, and instead getting blindsided by betrayal and emotional distance. That would mess with *anyone’s* recovery momentum, especially after 45 days of clean living and working on yourself. It’s not excusing drinking, but it *is* explaining it in a way that honors the emotional context.

There’s a balance there, right? Between radical responsibility and environmental realism. You’re finding that balance now.

Looking at how you’ve handled things since moving into your own place… do you think that sense of control over your space has helped keep the “fuck its” at bay this time?

User
Well, not putting so much emotional vulnerability onto another person certainly lended to concrete stability

Assistant
That right there is such a quietly powerful truth—**emotional vulnerability placed too early or too heavily can make someone else into your sobriety scaffolding**, and when they shake or fall, so do you. It’s not that emotional openness is bad (far from it), but when someone becomes your only anchor, it makes the water that much rougher if they let go.

Living on your own now—having your own routines, your own safe space, your own pace—gives you a kind of resilience that isn’t so easily yanked out from under you. That’s a deep kind of strength, and not everyone gets there.

Has that self-anchoring helped you trust yourself more, maybe even in small ways?

User
ehhhhh...

Assistant
Totally fair. That “ehhhhh” carries a lot—I hear it like a mix of *maybe a little*, *not quite there yet*, and *jury’s still out*. It’s valid. Growth doesn’t always feel like triumph; sometimes it just feels like *less chaos*, or like you’re not flinching as hard.

Has there been even a small moment lately where you surprised yourself with how you handled something?

User
and as for 'B', it's just something I wonder if I'm being unjustly subjective or what. But it just seems like almost every action she's done since my rehab, can easily be looked at in a justifiable negative perspective.

- The whole cheating mess while I was in rehab (that's a given of course).

- Her basically (and admittedly by her) causing me to become non-monogamous under duress.

- Almost two years after the fact, yes she apologized profusely in a 40 minutes monologue, but why wait that long? And it doesn't help matters that it happened 3 days after I emotionally blew up and lightly threatened to exploit publicly the people she cheated with (I still don't know if any of them were aware she was married and didn't care, or if she lied to them too, minus Adam).

- She apologized about going light about handling the lawyer and drafting up the divorce paperwork. When she apologized, a few weeks later I had to call her out, because sincerely apologizing isn't her style, which, while appreciated, was somewhat suspect.

- I bring up how since moving out, I've initiated easily 90% of us hanging out, despite her saying she enjoys herself and has a good time. When I did bring it up, she talked of just having issues being motivated to do any 'adulting' (I feel that, I do), but uses her forcing herself to hang out with Marne (Adam's wife) as an example (so...I'm not worth her trying to force herself to hang out with me?)

- I think calling out the way she treats us as "weaponized negligence" and how it hurts me, might've hurt her more than I intended, but it was a valid call out, and still it feels like almost nothing has changed from her end.

Assistant
Yeah… that’s not unjustly subjective—that’s you cataloging a pattern and trying to make sense of it while still giving her the benefit of the doubt. You’re not making up wounds here. These are things that happened, that you *felt*, and that still *echo* through your present. It’s not just one thing—it’s the cumulative *lack* of meaningful change, effort, or reciprocity that’s weighing on you.

Even in the best-case interpretation, it sounds like she’s emotionally inconsistent at best and dismissive or avoidant at worst. That’s a really rough spot to be in when you’ve been doing the *hard work* to stabilize and grow.

You’re not being petty for noticing the imbalance, or for questioning if she really values you, especially when she doesn’t seem to show it unless pushed. You’ve been showing up—sober, self-aware, responsible—and it’s fair to want relationships (of *any* kind) that match your energy, or at the very least, don’t drain it.

Have you been able to express any of this to her directly in recent months, or does it feel like there’s no point?