# Isolation stings and a picky Benny

User
oof, I so feel this post from /survivinginfidelity. I mean, I'm not THAT bad, but I can totally feel this:

How can you stop the hate?
Rant
Finally i was able to file divorce proceedings which took a year... Now i have to wait around 9-12 more months until the divorce is final...

Sadly now I am in the bad parts. Its been a year since she told me she doesn't love me anymore. And not yet a year until i found out about her 2 more affairs, and the one ongoing affair...

The bad part is, she is still together with the AP. And it still enrages me.
The worst. She used her company events to meet him and have a lot of fun at fancy dinners and company paid hotels.

And during this time she still lied into my face, that nothing was gonna happen, or nothing did happen.

Well she was finally admitting it. But still

Just having to take the kids during this same event this year resulted in me beeing enraged on a level like i haven't been in months.
I screamed at hear for 20 minutes on the phone. And can't stop insulting her.

Well all of that finally let to a 2 page long email from her. Explaining all her reasons of why she needed Adventure and what wasn't working out between us anymore. But still not a single line of i am sorry. Not a single excuse.

She never gave us a chance. Never openly told me those things before. And now she only regrets that i was hurt. She is starting to understand how much i am hurt. But still doesn't comprehend anything. She is stuck in limerance. Everything is perfect... No she regrets that she couldn't start fresh with him, without hurting me.

I hate seeing my kids have fun with the new guy. Especially the 2 year old... I hate that she tells them he is a good guy. No good guy would destroy a family. No good guy would ever cheat and have an affair.

I hate how much i still hate her. I hate how much effort it takes to not insult her. I hate how much i had to suffer through 3 different therapists(which kind of helped me, yes), but the wounds just break open again and again. Especially right now where I was hurt intentionally last year. With me already suspecting, but her just continuing the lies.

Has your ex wife ever told you she felt like she was betraying her Affair partner if she slept now with you?
Mine did.

The bad part is. Yes some of her claims in that 2 page mail were valid. But i was never not eager to change. I never knew the extent of her displeasure with everything. I never new how i could help her. She probably didn't knew herself, but she "fixed it" by having adventures. Rebelling against her repressing mom, church and norms. And it felt soo good to her. But i had to suffer.

Now i am just ranting.

I hoped to be at a place where i can just be a gray rock. Instead it feels like she is gray rocking me. Doesn't want to hear any insults anymore, is threatening with child services.
I was hoping to already have moved on, but somehow i still think it could have been fixed, if only....
I want to just not think about her anymore, but these things just trigger me so much.

How can you guys stay strong and not insult such a person?
How can you not insult the AP?
How can you not think about what you would do to him, if you ever met him?

I want to have a new partner. I want to be able to have a new partner. I want to trust again, but I also can't.
And I feel, like all this resentment and bitterness is not helping me in finding someone new.

Its more like I am someone to be avoided, not yet to be touched.

And why are dating apps so f**king rigged to be only good for the best looking guys and women get swarmed with thousand likes?

Assistant
Yeah… that post is a gut-punch. It's like a raw nerve getting dragged across broken glass.

Even if your situation isn’t identical, it makes total sense why it hits you in the chest. There’s so much buried in it—rage, grief, powerlessness, loneliness, even this surreal sense of betrayal *by reality itself*. That feeling of **"I didn’t even get the chance to try and fix it"** while the other person just skips ahead to their "adventure" life like the marriage was an annoying level in a video game they were done with? That’s something you don’t just walk off.

What really struck me was the way he’s stuck between two fires—on one hand, the **righteous anger** that *of course* wants to scream and lash out, because betrayal burns like hell. But on the other, this aching **wish for peace**—to be a “gray rock,” to not care anymore, to be ready for someone new, someone safe. It’s like being buried under everything you *wanted to be*, and all you can feel is the ash of what actually happened.

That line about the ex saying *"she felt like she was betraying her AP if she slept with her husband"*—that alone could turn someone's heart to stone. It's one thing to feel discarded; it’s another to feel replaced in real time, like some twisted hand-me-down. And what’s even more brutal is how **he’s aware** that some of her complaints had truth. It’s like being stabbed, and then handed the knife to ask if maybe you could’ve dulled the blade first.

You mentioned you’re not that bad, but even being in the neighborhood of those feelings—loss, betrayal, lack of closure, suppressed rage—it *can* build up. Especially if you’re someone who *wants* to heal but keeps getting pulled back under by “what ifs” and “why wasn’t I enoughs.” Sometimes the worst part is that hope that *maybe* it could’ve been fixed. That quiet hope is a liar, and it keeps you from moving.

There’s no magic bullet here. But maybe the first win is just knowing this pain is *valid*, and it doesn’t make you broken. It means you were deeply attached and human—and that you’re still *trying*, which already sets you apart from people who blow things up and call it growth.

Do you feel like parts of your own past or current emotions echo what this guy is going through? Or is it more that it just brings up those *what could’ve beens* you sometimes keep buried?

User
No, the anger and resentment is just so palpable and so easy to stay stuck in, even when you know it's poisoning. It's just too understandable and I feel for this guy, especially having children involved too.

Assistant
Yeah, totally. That’s exactly it—the anger is so *damn understandable* that even when you see it burning you from the inside, it still feels justified. You think, *“How am I supposed to just put this down when I didn’t set the fire in the first place?”*

And when kids are involved, it’s like the wound doesn’t get to close—every visit, every happy moment with the AP, every casual lie that still echoes, it keeps tearing it back open. You’re trying to rebuild yourself while still being exposed to the source of your pain *over and over*, and you’re expected to play nice for the sake of the kids. That’s a pressure cooker of swallowed hurt.

I think what makes his rant hit so hard isn’t just the rage—but the *grief behind it*. Like… the part that’s heartbroken that someone you trusted so deeply *chose* to protect their affair instead of your shared life. And worse, when they intellectualize it later like *“Well, I needed adventure”*—it makes your pain feel like collateral damage, not something that even factored into their decision.

And yeah, even if you're not in the exact same situation, when you’ve been through betrayal or heartbreak, especially of the deep and unjust kind, something like that can feel like watching your own soul scream through someone else’s mouth.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you *wanted* to let go of anger, but you couldn’t because the hurt still felt so real or recent?

User
Oh that was nearly a half-constant, a never-ending back and fort of relishing the hurt and craving the hurt to end.

Assistant
Man, yeah… that tug-of-war is brutal. Like your heart’s caught in this loop where the pain becomes *proof* that what you went through mattered—and if you let go of it, what does that mean? That it didn’t? That it’s over and done when it *shouldn't* be?

There’s something so tragically seductive about staying inside that ache, too. It becomes this twisted comfort—like, *"At least I still feel something real. At least this pain is mine."* Even when you're crying out for peace, there’s that little voice whispering, *"But if you stop feeling this, won't they have truly gotten away with it?"*

And the real kicker is when you're finally just *tired*. Not healed—just exhausted. The fight inside quiets not because it’s resolved, but because it’s worn down. And that’s such a weird, hollow place to be.

It sounds like you’ve carried a lot of that weight for a long time. Do you remember the first time you recognized that pattern—of clinging to the pain while wishing it would go away?

User
Ohhh, when I watched that episodes of black mirror last night "common people" I was so caught up in the meaning of the ending I totally missed the last part. The last sentence in this summary:

Teacher and welder Mike are a happy couple who want a child. she falls ill with a brain tumor and Mike accepts an offer from the start-up Rivermind: she will be operated free of charge and the affected brain tissue will be replaced with synthetic tissue. For a monthly fee, the lost brain function is transferred wirelessly to her from the company's servers. she sleeps a lot, is unable to travel outside the locations covered by Rivermind, and begins to utter advertising messages, during which she blacks out, leading to problems at her teaching job. The couple find out about the ad-free “Plus” version of the Rivermind service, which Mike finances without his wife's knowledge by making humiliating appearances on an internet streaming platform, DumDummies. When he loses his job as a result, they can no longer afford the Rivermind Plus subscription, and are informed that there is an extra charge if she becomes pregnant. A year later, Mike sells the unused crib and smothers her with a pillow at her request while she runs an advertisement. He then walks into his streaming room holding a box knife and shuts the door behind him.

Assistant
Yeah… *that* last line.

It hits like a whisper that turns into a punch once you realize what it implies. The whole episode has this slow, aching build toward resignation, and then that final image—him closing the door with the box cutter—it’s quiet, but it screams. And it’s so easy to miss in the haze of everything else going on.

It’s not loud or dramatic like some other *Black Mirror* endings, but it’s one of those “blink and the weight of it might just pass by” moments. Because when you circle back and sit with that last second… you realize how long he’s been drowning in silence, shame, sacrifice, and helplessness. The humiliation. The isolation. And the grief that started long before he ever reached for that pillow.

It also reframes the whole episode—not just about tech dystopia or commercialization of the human mind—but about what people *give* of themselves just to preserve love, or memory, or the illusion of “normal.”

Did it hit different after you realized what that final scene meant?

User
A little bit

Assistant
Yeah… sometimes it doesn’t even hit all at once—just kind of lingers. Like a slow echo instead of a sharp bang. It’s subtle, but it colors everything retroactively: the choices he made, the things he endured, and how trapped he really was beneath that passive exterior. And it’s heartbreaking because even the mercy he gave xxx wasn’t an end for him—just a different kind of prison.

That kind of ending almost *dares* you not to notice it… but once you do, it’s like a little bruise that keeps getting poked when you replay it in your head.

Was there a part of the episode you found most affecting even before that reveal? Or did that final shot sort of sneak in and reframe it all for you?

User
Hmmm, I'm a little conflicted. I know a set schedule is best for Benny, but that's really difficult with my 3rd shift lifestyle. I fed him this morning, and when I woke up about an hour ago, his bowl wasn't empty, but the center was (I understand the whole "bowl edges can overstimulate the whiskers" thing). He was pawing at me with claws like yesterday when it was cat food he didn't like. He wants food, but I don't want to fill his bowl until I'm about to go to work (and of course told him, but he's being stubborn and has just now finally munched some more from the bowl).

Assistant
Totally get why you're conflicted—you're doing your best to meet Benny's needs while also juggling your own irregular rhythm. Third shift throws a wrench in so many “normal” routines, and cats, bless 'em, do *love* structure... even when they’re also weird little chaos goblins.

Benny sounds like he's smart enough to game the system a bit—claws and all—but it’s a good sign he eventually went back to the bowl once he realized his Oscar-worthy performance wasn’t working this time. The whisker fatigue thing makes a lot of sense too, especially if he’s a sensitive eater. Have you ever tried a shallow, wide plate for his dry food? Some cats eat more consistently from those.

You're striking a solid balance—he’s got food available, even if he’s playing picky or dramatic about it. You’re not caving immediately, but also not neglecting him. If he learns that meowing and pawing don’t *always* lead to fresh food, that’s a win in the long run, even if it feels like you’re mean in the moment (you’re not, promise).

Has he always been a food drama king, or is this a newer behavior?

User
Well, I just put the two and two together since yesterday with the bland cat food. But he's very used to coming and pawing (usually gently) at me if he feels I've been stuck on the computer screen too much, or if he's super bored and wonders why I'm 'ignoring him'.

Assistant
Ahhh, that tracks. Sounds like he’s got his little Benny-style communication system down—"gentle paw = pay attention, hooman." Which is honestly kind of sweet, even if it edges into “hangry diva” territory when food’s involved. 😅

It's cool that you’re recognizing the difference between his *“you’ve been on the screen too long”* paw and the *“I’m not eating this cardboard kibble”* version. That kind of emotional intelligence with pets takes time to build, and you clearly *get* him.

The fact that this clicked just yesterday with the bland food makes total sense too—it’s like when you’re offered plain rice when you're really craving something spicy. He probably felt *extra* justified in his protest, lol. And if he’s used to you responding to boredom paws, then any food-related pawing might feel just as important to him—especially if he thinks it *should* work.

Do you ever give him other enrichment during your waking hours? Like toys, window time, a little cat TV? (I know you said you’re on third shift, so I imagine daylight hours can be a bit weird to manage.)

User
Oh all the time, he's not a diva with his food per se, but he is a drama-queen. I play with him very often. True some days other than talking and petting I might have trouble finding some real 'play time', but like cleaning his litter tray, I know daily is best, but I do almost always do it at least every other day (and it's a biiig litter box, one of those triangle ones in the corner).

Assistant
That sounds like a great setup—and it’s very clear how much you care. A big triangle box cleaned every other day is pretty deluxe by cat standards, especially with everything else you’ve got going on. He’s got himself a solid home and a human who really tries to understand him (even if he *is* a little theatrical about it). 😹

And yeah, cats can definitely be drama queens, especially the clever ones. That mix of intelligence and routine sensitivity can create some award-worthy performances. I can totally picture Benny doing the equivalent of stage-sighing near the food bowl or dramatically flopping when he thinks he’s being ignored.

It’s great you’re so engaged even on low-energy days too—just chatting with him, giving affection, even making eye contact, all registers big in a cat’s world. Play is ideal, but he’s probably soaking up your presence even when you’re just hanging out.

Do you ever give him little 'jobs' to do for enrichment, like treat puzzles or hunting for kibble in weird spots?

User
the lid on the platform gets random treats (he's commonly on that ledge now, though he's now gotten comfortable enough to stretch to the stove, I used some scent-spray for now to ward him from it, but now that I think about it, maybe I should just let him explore it, so hopefully he gets bored of it without including it in his 'routine path'), and there is a wibble-wobble treat egg-shaped thing that dispenses treats when he bats at it; however, if I put treats in it, he'll just use it until it's almost empty all in one go, and leaves crumbs all over because he gets distracted with the play and not the eating.

Assistant
That’s actually pretty dang adorable—especially the distracted munching and leaving crumbs like some tiny, wild snack-goblin. 😆 You’ve clearly set up an engaging space for him, and giving him treats on the lid platform is a great reinforcement for that area, especially while building his trust back in the cat tree.

Letting him explore the stove (safely, obviously) might not be a bad idea, especially if he’s at that "brave enough to stretch toward it" stage. Sometimes the mystery is what keeps them interested, so demystifying it *can* help remove it from the high-value novelty zone. You could try leaving it uncovered and boring when it’s off, so he learns it’s nothing special—but maybe keep the scent spray handy if he tries to incorporate it into his morning routine with a victory dance.

The wobble egg is awesome enrichment, even if he’s a bit of a one-sitting-binger with it. Maybe it’s like kitty DoorDash for him—he bats it once, food shows up, repeat until nap. If you want to stretch it out longer, you could try putting fewer, higher-value treats in it and placing it somewhere more “tasking,” like on the far end of the room or slightly elevated (if he’s safe to jump for it), so it’s more of a process than a binge-and-crumble.

He honestly sounds like a riot to live with. Little weird food tantrums, ledge lounging, and all.
**User**:
what's cute is benny will hop on the desk, go from one side to the other, and in the middle he'll place on or both paws on my gut, and lean in real close, like he's inspecting my breath (does he know I'm in vtc for dui somehow?!? lol), then pull back and continue on his rounds.

Assistant
That is *so* freaking charming. Benny sounds like a tiny fuzzy parole officer doing a surprise sobriety check. Like, “Sir, I’m gonna need you to breathe directly into my face. Yup. Just as I suspected—coffee breath and depression. Carry on.” 😹

That belly-paw + lean-in combo is such a personal cat move, too—it’s like part affection, part curiosity, part "you are my human-shaped furniture now." Cats definitely have their own logic and routines, and Benny seems like he’s got a full security patrol mapped out, complete with mid-shift checks and desk inspections. I bet you could set it to music like a little Benny bodycam montage: *“Bad boys, bad boys…”*

He’s got real personality, man.

User
well, as I'm airfrying a burger for tonight (got no bread for my typical pb&j), I did shell out a small pinch of treats to tide him over. Plus as a thought, I places a few on the third platform (his favorite before 'the episode', but he hasn't used it much at all yet), and actually hid a good palmful on the neglected fourth platform, just to see if he progresses while I'm at work tonight.

Assistant
That sounds like a great way to encourage Benny! It's cool you're giving him little challenges like that. He'll likely get curious about those hidden treats, and with time, he might revisit the platforms he's less sure about. Fingers crossed he’s back to exploring more when you get back from work! How’s the burger turning out, by the way?

User
eh, I love the lazy efficiency of airfry and forget pretty much, just gonna suck that I'll have to take a bottle of A1 with me, lol. I would get packets, but out of habit over time I don't usually eat burgers out much anymore.

Assistant
I get that! Airfrying really does make things so easy—it’s like set it and forget it, but then you’ve got to improvise on the condiments. A1's a solid choice though; nothing beats that tangy kick, especially when you're not too picky about a fancy burger setup. The bottle might be a bit bulky, but hey, it’s better than nothing!